I was recently asked when I’m going to have children. For reference, I’m 26 and, while I’m in a committed relationship, I’m not married. 

So why would someone ask me this? Well, because I’m a 26-year-old female, and according to societal expectations, I should be married with my first child by 30.

To hell with my personal plans. 

SOCIETAL EXPECTATIONS

At the time I was asked the question above, I was playing with my baby nephew. I’m a very proud aunt to three kiddos, and y’all, I love them with my whole heart. And because of this, I can’t tell you how many times it’s assumed that I will have children of my own one day. When in reality, children aren’t in the future I’ve planned for myself. But it often feels like they’re very much a part of what’s expected of me, based on my sex and age. 

And according to those same standards, an engagement ring should also be in my near future. Actually, it’s probably overdue. Because the clock’s ticking and well, I’ve been dating my significant other for nearly 7 years…can you read my sarcasm?

“You guys have been together for so long! When are you getting married??” As if an exact length of time is all that determines when a couple should make the biggest commitment of their life. And when my answer is that it’s not a priority in the near future — for reasons I don’t feel the need to explain to anyone outside of my partner — people assume we haven’t discussed it, or even that we don’t plan for it. That’s definitely not the case. We are extremely committed to one another and make that clear between the two of us. But shouldn’t we consider all of the factors and decide when that next step makes the most sense for *our* life, instead of it being dictated by a timeline or peer pressure?

We’re both so glad we’ve had this time after college to build our own identities and pursue our own paths, knowing we were creating a better future for US. I took on new career opportunities, he built a successful business, and we’ve both dove deep into our hobbies and passions. For us, that just wouldn’t have looked the same if we were married.

DO AWAY WITH TIMELINES

Now, I know the people who ask these questions and make these assumptions of my life are not doing so maliciously – they truly mean well. And I’ve been guilty of asking or assuming similar scenarios for others. But that’s just it. It’s so ingrained in our culture and in our mindset, that even someone like me who has confidently considered a path different from the traditional, can’t help but compare or measure against societal norms or am surprised when someone deviates from that planned path.

So, my first challenge is to do away with those norms – the timelines, the paths people “should” take in life, the lifestyles people should live – all of it! I’m not naive, I know people have to make money, contribute to society, and abide by the laws in place, but beyond that, who cares how they live their life? There’s nothing wrong with this traditional path, if it’s the one for you. But if someone else wants to get married to their high school sweetheart at 18, let them. If they want to wait until they’re financially independent, so be it. Don’t want to work a traditional 9-5 or even go to college? No worries, it’s your life. As long as it’s what you want, it’s valid. 

There are so many scenarios – even more than the simple ones listed above – that play out with judgement, intentional or passive, from others. Or maybe it’s a knee-jerk reaction — learned behaviors are hard to ditch. Whatever it is, these norms put so many boxes around our lives that are totally unnecessary. 

EMBRACE YOUR SEASON OF LIFE

And I think shedding this box starts with each of us. We need to stop comparing ourselves to others and a certain timeline. We are all individually created and lead our own lives. It’s inevitable that those will look different from one another. And they should. Let’s embrace that! There’s so much beauty in every season of life…why aren’t we enjoying it?

For example, I know so many women who desperately want to find their someone and get discouraged when it hasn’t happened in their timeline. Because they’re taught X has to happen by X time. And they see their peers living that way. But what if instead of comparing and wanting for what we don’t have, we just embrace the season of life we are in? There are so many perks that come with being single, like living on your own, decorating a home without considering someone else’s tastes, or making whatever you feel like for dinner. Let’s find the positives in where we are at in life, relish in those moments, and stop wishing away time to check a box. 

No matter where you’re at in life or where you want to go, just remember that it is YOUR life, so live it on YOUR timeline.

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This is the first post in a new series titled Women Talk Wednesday. We will hear from women with all different perspectives on a variety of topics near and dear to their hearts with the hopes of sparking connection through shared experiences.